The author's account of his experiences dating women recently released from prison…the kind of women you do not want to take home to meet your mom…unless she, too, was just released from prison.
Okay, so am I out of my mind? Well, my ex-wife thinks so. That’s how this whole thing got started. You see, she announced—on one otherwise perfectly normal day last year—that she wanted a divorce. I had no idea she was unhappy. The fact that she moved out of our bedroom into the study and spent a lot of time in Atlanta should have been a hint.
She said I didn’t show her enough affection. Curiously, about four years previously, she had decided to give up sex. She claimed she had none of those urges anymore. She had gained a lot of weight and was no longer the sex-crazed hottie I had married. Hence, I wasn’t all that attracted to her anyway. I thought it was a mutual non-attraction, and was understandably confused by this accusation by her of my lack of affection. Anyway, from that point on I lent all my attention to my research—internet porn and how it affects the adult male. Hands on research, you might say.
Anyway, there I was, left on my own after twelve years, without a clue how to talk to single women. Hey little girl, want some candy? just wasn’t working for me. I am fifty-four years old, short and going bald. And those are my good points. So my preference in women—busty, young, beautiful coeds—seemed like a stretch. After moping around for about four months after my divorce, a neighbor talked me into trying the online dating services.
I put my profile and my best picture on meatmarket.com and sat back and waited for the wave of women to search me out and track me down. Astonishingly, that is exactly what happened. I had no idea there were so many desperate, lonely middle-aged women out there ready to pounce on any unsuspecting, newly divorced, dating-challenged male that crossed their path. Wow! I was overwhelmed.
I sifted through the responses—twenty-four in the first two weeks—picked out the three best and sent them an email. But after meeting each of my three dream mates I came to the realization that one of the main attributes required for successfully filling out a dating profile is the ability to lie your ass off. Let me explain.
My first date, who described herself as very slim and fit, wanted to meet me for lunch in a public, well-lighted venue. As I waited for her at the appointed time, I could see no one in the room that fit her description. I was getting somewhat discouraged when a large woman came over and introduced herself. This was my date. She must have been just a biscuit short of two-hundred and fifty pounds. Seeing my surprise, she said, “Well I used to be a lot thinner. I hope you don’t mind.” I did mind. But I was determined to be gracious and put in about half an hour of mindless chit-chat before I’d bolt for the exit.
I know this sounds harsh, but I had previously specified that I was only looking for women who were slim. That is just my preference. Some men like large women, and that’s great... but I am not one of them. How could she misunderstand this? Did she think I wouldn’t notice? Did she think she would overwhelm me with her dazzling personality and wit and I wouldn’t care that she was large enough to be an offensive lineman for the Oakland Raiders?
Okay, I decided to give her a chance. Over the next twenty minutes, she uttered approximately three mindless sentences, and never cracked a smile. Finally, I said to her, “You really don’t talk much do you?” At this point, she uttered the most amazing reply I have ever heard to that question—or any other question, for that matter. She looked me straight in the eye and said, “I do not do S and M on the first date.”
We had, before that point, built absolutely no rapport whatsoever. Not even the slightest. I was so stunned, I did what every suave gentleman would do in that circumstance—I poked myself in the eye with my straw. I had been raising my glass of tea for a sip and went completely spastic, somehow missing my mouth and jabbing myself in the eye. Now here is the thing, up to that point, I had certainly not planned on ever seeing her again. But for a fleeting moment, I must admit, I did consider it, just to see what in the world she did do on a second date. I don’t think she even liked me. Maybe that was the point—she wanted to tie me up and slap me around a little bit... whip it, whip it good! Oh God, what do you say to something like that? After regaining my composure I replied to her, “No, it would be too presumptuous of me to expect that of you on the first date.”
We never had that second date—I thought better of it. However, there is a somewhat bizarre footnote to this encounter. I am in the computer repair business. A client of mine, who mentioned he was heavily involved in the local online dating scene, asked me to clean out his hard drive. It was infected with viruses, spyware, and other junk, so he wanted me to wipe it out and re-install everything fresh. But before doing this, he implored me not to look at any of the photos on his hard drive. I assured him that as a professional, I had neither the time nor the desire to pry into other people’s business.
