Jessica Stone is on the verge of turning forty-two when she finds her world collapsing around her. Mike, her husband and her one and only love, seems to have lost his desire for her. No matter how hard she tries, he never appears to notice her. Finally, on the verge of an emotional breakdown, she does the only thing she can to save herself. She runs away. Her escape takes her to Hawaii but her heartache only intensifies due to all of the memories she and Mike had shared there. Emotionally shattered, she struggles with the most difficult decision of her life—whether to divorce Mike or not.
Jessica lay awake as the dark fog of yet another panic attack overwhelmed her. She stared at the ceiling and tried to will herself into a calm state, but all her attempts to push her erratic thoughts back were useless. She felt like a caged animal pacing the interior of her pen searching for an escape route, hoping that by some miracle her captor had forgotten to throw the latch. Alas, he never did. She glanced over at him, sleeping like a babe, totally unaware of her inner turmoil. She wanted to hate him for his peace.
Her ever-present questions and self-doubts ran through her mind. When did her life fall apart? How did she let herself drown in a pity pool? When did she bury her desires so deeply that she lost who she truly was?
Now facing forty-two, she was a shell of her former self. The once-vivacious girl had disappeared inside a tired and sad woman. She always did what she was supposed to do, what society deemed right. She got married, raised two children, worked and tried to be the perfect wife. Somewhere during the last twenty-two years of her marriage her essence had disappeared and was replaced by the unrecognizable person that she now was. But for some reason it was when her youngest daughter moved out that the fire began raging within her, like the last inferno before her flame was completely extinguished. She had two choices: stay and completely melt away, or run and try to fly. Was there really a choice? Her attacks were becoming more frequent, the terror more real, as she plastered a fake smile on her face and tried to sweetly go through the motions of life.
There was a particular morning she recalled in vivid detail. She was doing her morning routine, washing dishes, when cold sweat began to poor down her face. Her heart pounded as she looked at her husband watching the morning news while she slaved away at the kitchen and wondered when was the last time he had truly looked at her. Not as a mother, friend or caretaker, but as a woman. She couldn't remember.
He still called her honey, like he always had, but the old desire for her had left his eyes. They had fallen into the death trap of being roommates. Well, that wasn't completely true—it was more like a parent-child relationship, for she had become mother to all. She did the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, bills, pretty much everything having to do with the running of their home. He worked and brought home a good salary, but that was where his responsibilities ended.
She couldn't lie to herself—she still loved this man and that was the crux of her problem. She still found him attractive and interesting after all these years together, but he no longer desired her. She used to try to do things to gain his attention, but when his behavior didn't change, she gave up. He was always too caught up in his own thoughts and work to find the time to wine and dine her.
She knew that her beauty was dwindling and she had added a few extra pounds over the last couple years, but her passion was still alive. Her inner voice was telling her to do something drastic, before it was too late and she found herself old and alone. She joined a gym in an attempt to improve her outer appearance, with the hope that it would improve her inner thoughts, but alas, her attendance was sporadic at best. However, she had to give herself credit for the ten pounds she'd lost, even if he didn't notice.
She wanted to shine again. Jessica knew that somewhere inside of her lurked a funny, attractive woman who was begging to be released upon the world. She wasn't ready to be put on a shelf to wither away in the darkness. She begged God to help her find a way to rise from this and discover herself again.
