Jasper snaps, stepping back and raising his hands like a shield, but it’s Ryan he wants to protect. He’s afraid of himself. Afraid he might hurt Ryan because like this, all his thoughts are oscillating between unrelenting fury and devastating confusion. He’s picturing things he doesn’t want to picture. That he would never have imagined he’d be capable of doing if not for the way he’d lashed out at Chris this morning. He’d lost trust in himself after throwing that punch and can’t risk letting Ryan anywhere near him while he’s agitated like this. He wants to run, but he has nowhere to run to.

No one to run to.

His brain is sending so many overwhelming signals it consumes him like nothing he's experienced before. His body is trying to shut down. He can’t breathe. His heart is racing. He wants to collapse to the floor and never move again. He can’t even get one proper thought together. All he keeps thinking is that he's dying. That his heart is breaking. His lungs are collapsing. His head is going to explode.

Ryan’s tear-filled eyes stare with helpless desperation as he takes a cautious step closer. “Okay, then what? What do you want me to do to help you right now?”

Jasper grabs at his neck, needing more air, his other hand rests on his chest counting each rapid beat of his heart. Before he can even think, the words, “I want to break up,” stumble out of his mouth with a tone of certainty, as if this was in the back of his mind and something he'd been mulling over for a while. But it wasn't. It’s so far from what he wants. Betrayed by his own mouth, he knows he’ll regret this, but he needs Ryan to get away from him now while they still have something good to look back on when they think of their relationship. He doesn’t want to hurt Ryan, doesn’t want to break his heart.

He doesn’t want any of this.

“Jasper. Don’t do this. I know what you’re doing, and I’m begging you. Don’t do this.” Ryan shakes his head and reaches for Jasper.

Jasper’s never been so afraid before in his life, of the cocktail of feelings brewing in his head and he can’t stand the thought of breaking down in front of Ryan. In this moment, he doubts there’ll ever be a time when he isn’t this lost, this hurt, and this dangerous. His brain keeps spit firing thoughts of hurting himself, of hurting Ryan. He needs to get Ryan away before he does something they can never come back from. “Go. Please just go,” he begs.

“I can’t leave you like this. Let me help.” Ryan takes another step towards Jasper, his hands up like he’s ready to protect himself.

“I don’t want help. I’m fine!” Jasper screams, tears threatening to fall from his eyes as he cowers back, overwhelmed with fear that he’s about to lose his last shred of control.

“Jasper, I know you're scared right now. I promise you’re going to be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it, but this will pass. You’re having a panic attack. Let me help you like you’ve always helped me through them. Trust me, I know it feels like the best thing to do is push everyone away but, trust me."

“I don’t need you to counsel me right now. I need you to listen to what I want, and leave. Me. Alone!” Jasper’s voice cracks as he shouts and clenches his fist.

“I don’t think you should be alone right now.”

“You think I’m going to hurt myself? I am not that stupid!” Furious tears spill from Jasper’s eyes as he screams out the careless words.

It’s only after he says it that he realizes how he sounded, but he doesn’t take it back. He’d rather hurt Ryan with words and have him leave, then let Ryan persist at the risk of losing himself again like he did with Chris. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he ever put hands on this beautiful, loving, sweet hearted man, in anger. Ryan doesn’t deserve that. He doesn't deserve any of this, and in a devastating moment when his gaze meets Ryan’s, Jasper knows they are both thinking just that.

It's unfair. It's so unbelievably unfair. Jasper hangs his head, trying to stay stronger than the darkness overcoming him. "Get out." He inhales a shaky breath. "Please, I need you to get out."

“Okay, I’ll go. I’ll go.” Ryan takes another step back seemingly in a state of shock, heartbreak, maybe both. “Just remember you were there for me. That night when I called you. When I thought I had nothing to live for, you were there. Please just. Please call me if you need me. If you need anything. I’ll give you space, but please. Don’t think that you can’t turn to me. I’m always going to love and care about you.” Ryan hesitates to leave, likely waiting for Jasper to give him a reason not to.

Jasper turns away, unable to watch as the only good thing left in his life, leaves.

As soon as he hears the click of the front door closing, he turns and glances around, heartbroken and relieved all at once. He falls to the floor and lets out everything he’s been holding in. A flood of tears pours from his eyes so heavy it burns. He doesn’t try to stop them. He screams through the pain, ignoring the stabbing ache in his chest with each shuddering gasp for air. He doesn’t stop until he’s hoarse and drained. Incapacitated by the exhausting numbness that settles back in, he stays on the floor, wondering what the hell Damien meant by being a broken kind of okay one day. He can’t picture a day when he won’t feel like this.

He'll never be okay. He’ll always be this broken.